The control freak in me wants to say the process if over. Wants to tell you that its the end and tell you how I got there.

The competitive side of me, wishes I could say that I passed every test with flying colors.

But I can’t say either of those things just yet. It hasn’t been easy.  I have been more grappling foal than galloping stallion through this whole thing. In what seemingly should have been an exciting time of peace,  I would find myself  wanting to stress out, just so I had something to do. Busying myself with things, just to say I was busy.

Every job I have ever had, has been an all consuming one. There has been no inbetween. No part time job. It was like quiting a 16 year habit I have never done life at a leisurely stroll. I’ve always been at  full on warp speed.

For the first couple of weeks, I didn’t want to stop for longer than necessary. If I wasn’t busy, if I wasn’t stressed out, if I wasn’t anything- what was I?  I realized, that I have equated work with purpose and identity.  That if I’m working I must be somebody.

Somebody important.

Somebody with value.

Then one day. while I was eating cheese at a wine bar (its what women of leisure do), the sommelier stopped me, and said, “Why are you eating so fast? Cheese is aged, so that it can be enjoyed slowly. If you eat too fast, you will miss the small nuances that make it amazing.”

I LOVE LIFE REVELATIONS OVER CHEESE!

For the past 16 years, I was going so fast, that I have missed the little things that make life amazing. Lunch with friends. Coffee and a book with nowhere to go, no underlying anxiety of the workday.  Maury Povich announcing who the father is, while I clean my paint brushes. I have overlooked nuances of myself and life that God thinks are amazing.

So I started to slow down. So I can be in awe of things again. So I can enjoy life, because its meant to be enjoyed.

I began to realize, that work is not your purpose. Your job is not your identity. Jobs are fleeting, they can change at any given moment, who you are in God is not. Basing identity and purpose on a temporary thing, only temporarily satisfies you.

So, I am trying to  enjoy life like cheese. Slowly, so I can taste all of the nuances.  The joy of being myself. Relishing in the beauty of me.

Everyday, I learn something new. About myself. About God. About living as myself serving a gracious God.

And on the work front, things have evolved there too. In a surprising way. For the first time in my life I am letting them happen. I am letting myself be surprised.

xoxo,

When my friend said, “Girls, that’s easy. Its finding a wife, that’s the hard part.“

Hmmm. Interesting. I kind of love this thought.

If this statement is true, then that implies that there are two types of women. Girls that remain girls, and women that become wives. So it got me thinking, what would the difference be? What are the differences between girls and wives?

Comment box is open- your thoughts?

xoxo,

Sadly, my experience in church has been that, most singles are lumped together as a group of marrieds-in-waiting.

If I am to be honest, I have felt like church culture sometimes fueled the i-need-a-husband-to-survive mentality in me.

The jokes about if your single raise your hand, now look around you and try to find a man.

The girlfriends that would look over at you and say, “Someday when you’re married” as if my life was not enough.

The books, workshops, seminars and services, taught only by married people, as if reinforcing the messaging that marriage is some graduation from singleness.

The holiday parties and workshops that charge a more expensive price for singles than couples

Being single is amazing.

Even typing that felt wrong, because I feel like we don’t say it enough. It is amazing. I am whole. I have a great job. I know my purpose. I want for nothing. I have great friends. Life is a great adventure. I love being single and I will love it until I’m not single anymore, and then I will love being married.

Because life is about rejoicing in your season. Its about loving right now, but still maintaining the ability to dream.

People could totally disagree. That’s totally okay with me. I am thankful for free will and free opinions.

I’m just really passionate about a singles revolution where every single person feels content in their season and squeezes every perfect drop of what being single should be until the winds of the season change.

Is this a preparation season for me? Sure! But I truly believe God is so big that I have to know that He is preparing me for more than a husband.

If you’re single, my prayer for you today, is that you rejoice in this amazing season. That you don’t miss amazing moments that are meant for you and you alone. I pray for good friends to surround you and you feel a wholeness so big, so vast, and so wide, that being married is an addition to your great life, but not part and participle of it.

If you’re married, my prayer for you is that you have received all of the greatness that should have been yours in your single season. If you didn’t I am thankful for the redemption of God, that allows you to receive all of that and more. I pray that when you minister to single people, that you prophesy their wholeness.

Just some random thoughts, from a happy single girl.

xoxo,

I just want to tell this girl- Really, REALLY?! Do you know where that guy's mouth has been? GROSS

The thing about excess is this. Too much of anything is always a bad thing. And before you know it, you realize, whatever hole you were trying to fill with excess, is not getting filled at all. In fact, the exact opposite begins to happen. Its almost as if the hole is some kind of sponge and rather than filling a gap somewhere, there is this crazy absorption that happens.  You become your excess. Instead of having control over it. It has control over you.

I remember the moment, that I realized that I was in trouble. It was in January of 2002 on a trip to Vegas (of course). When I had to convince my friend, to ensure she would not let me take random ecstasy pills from a stranger that had been offering them to us all weekend. The fact that I couldn’t trust myself to say, “No” on my own scared me.

I flew home that weekend thinking, something has to change. I wanted to change, had a desire to change, but didn’t know how. So life sucked me back in again, and before I knew it, I was deep back in the place, that I said I never wanted to be.

In June of 2002, I had this opportunity to try out for this customer service program with my job. They were looking for people to travel across the country, to train people in Customer Service. I made it through a screening process to be part of a select group that would be audition in Vegas, of all places. At the time, it was the best of both worlds. I could get get drunk and mess around on the company dime- awesome.

This is where, in the oddest of places, the story gets kind of romantic. If there is ever a moment, that you feel like God is not a romance junkie, who is desperate to court and bask you in His affection, I feel like this story will prove you so wrong. Because He is. I feel like He lured me to this place, when I wasn’t looking and gave me what I thought I wanted, only to give me what He knew I deserved- a life with Him.

I made it through the round in Vegas to be a part of a national group of 12 people that would tour larger venues (The Kodak theater, The Forum, etc). Through this I met a girl, Genevieve, who just seemed to be different. People just liked her, and things came easy to her.

At the time, I was the kind of girl that would never let someone else be more popular, or more successful than I was.  My initial thought, was to befriend her to see what she was that I wasn’t and then just do what ever she was doing (I was the ultimate chameleon would do whatever you wanted to make you like me). Joke was on me, what she was, was saved.  And that’s what she was doing.

me and Gen at the magic carpet photo at Pier 39. If the guy looks familiar its because he is latin singing sensation- Christian Acosta- seriously!

Again, the romance of God. He showed me through her all the I could be in Him. It was His beckoning, “Look what I can do for you. The way he (the world) loves you, does not compare to the way I will love you.”

And then I found myself liking this girl, in the oddest twists of fate. Up until this moment, women weren’t to be trusted. Best friends steal boyfriends and other girlfriends talk about you behind your back. We lived close to each other (both in Northern California) and both were playing “The Lisa role” on the road (odd side note here- Lisa is also saved, and was a great example to me during the BA Spirit tour. Cause God is just that good).

There were also life things between Gen and I that were kind of odd coincidences, both of us just got out of mega serious relationships with boys we thought we were going to marry, we both loved basketball, and we were both Filipino.

In August we headed to the Los Angeles to the Renaissance Hotel, where we would do workshops to prepare us for the “National Tour” It was at the bottom of  the escalator that I heard Gen and Lisa talking about Ron Kenoly, and His world known song “Lift Him Up.”

I knew that song! They sang that at my church (well my mom’s church). At which time, I felt like “Eureka! I have found it. Me and Gen DO have a ton in common. I love God too!”

As I began to really see Gen and Lisa, I realized that they knew God in a deeper way than I knew Him. He wasn’t just their “Sunday God,” or their “please don’t let me be pregnant God.”.

He was LIVING in and with them. And they respected Him and loved Him. He was their present God.

So I told Gen, and I remember exactly what I said, “You’re saved?! I’m saved too!” Like we had just found out that both our favorite colors were pink or something. She invited me to pray with her and Lisa the following morning in her hotel room.  So I went. To be honest, I have no clue why I agreed. I think I was afraid to lose the first real potential girlfriend I could make.

It was a brisk morning for August. I remember exactly what I was wearing. A long grey skirt and a black top. We were sitting in a circle praying. I had never prayed out loud before. So I was fine to skip my turn. And then I felt it, what I now know as the tangible presence of God.

The only way I can describe it is, that I felt like I was a fish that was all of a sudden aware of my gills. And for the first time in my 22 years I could breathe.

Immediately, I was in Gen’s small group, and the time on the road, was my dessert season. It was a time of me and God and nothing else. Me and God in North Carolina. Me and God in Washington DC. Me and God in Los Angeles. Me and God in Anaheim. In that time I discovered the life I was living was an empty of shell of the life I was meant to live.

I didn’t give up all of my vices right away. It took that romancing season for me to realize I was safe with Him. And if I let Him, He would take care of me. Wherever I was. Whatever happened.

8 years later, I have not regretted a minute of it.  It has been the most beautiful adventure, and He continues to still take my breath away with how He loves me. I have traveled the world. I have prayed for the sick in His name and seen them made well. I have witnessed the life I once knew transformed into a life that I hope honors my Beloved who rescued me and continues to rescue me every day.

Thanks God. For not giving up on me. For loving me enough to court me right where I was. Here’s to decades more of surprising adventures with You.

xoxo,

Me and Auntie at Kuya's wedding. Yes my hair is navy blue.

Its Auntie’s day. 3 years ago, Auntie went home to be with the Lord.

Every August 6th, I dedicate the post to her.

After she died, I never knew if I could be whole again. The grief, ate away at me. Things unsaid, time lost, memories never made. I thought I would never walk again without a gaping hole of loss.  Thank God, for good friends that stayed close enough to let me heal, but far enough to give me space. For family that is all accepting of my brokenness. And for God, sweet amazing God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. Who, when I thought I was alone, angry and in despair, was not afraid of my being a mess, and loved me anyway. Loved me still. Loves me always.

For three years I keep putting one foot in front of the other. It hasn’t always been pretty or easy.You find out a lot about yourself when you let yourself just break. I found that some friends were for only the put-together me and not the broken me.  I  found that some expectations are silly to try and live up to. I found that imperfection is not the worst thing that can happen.  I found that, fighting brokenness, just made me more broken. I found that sometimes the only thing that can heal you is God. So I gave into Him, and trusted Him for every breath when I thought even that was too hard.

And then eventually, and before I knew it. He does what He promised He would.

He restores. Rebuilds. Redeems.

So on this day, we honor your amazing life Auntie. As your living legacy of heirs.

To the only woman I would sit still long enough for, to have perm my hair

To the first woman who ever told me that I was special enough to change the world.

To the woman who taught me to be the kind of auntie that spoils her nieces and nephews.

To the woman who taught me that passion sometimes defies your education, your past experience or  peoples’ expectations.

You would be proud of the woman I am becoming.

xoxo,

As for what’s new with me? I would say the biggest difference is one you can’t really see. And that is that I have kind of gotten this sweet peace about where my life is. I know this place is not forever, but its right now, so I either choose to rejoice or lose the moment to complaining.

So I am enjoying:

renting a room out of my cousins’ house

living with a potty training 3 year old who has peed in my room more than once, but is the sweetest little boy around. We have a dog that looks like Scooby Doo, and my cousin, cousin in law, grandma and aunt are so cool to live with. Thank God, I was turning weird living by myself. And saving the money is pretty freakin stellar.

that for as long as they let me I have a great job

My responsibility is to show them God without a word, and I love that.

that ministry is not my life but I sure love doing it

I mean,  to pray for and disciple people- and see lives and families change- COME ON! That’s amazing

that someday my prince will come, but today is not that day

well as far as I can tell anyway, I mean, its already 3:26PM, so today may be out of the question. But I am sure of many things, and one of them is, someday, not far from now, I will meet my amazing ribcage and get to touch his face. Until then, life is about me, and that’s okay. As soon as marriage and babies happen, there will be a lot of me time I won’t get.

xoxo,

Here are mine:

Mighty To Save- Reuben Morgan

Heart of Worship- Matt Redman

Amazing Grace- by pretty much anyone

At the Cross- Hillsong

Your Love Oh Lord- sung by D’Andre Guirand

I Will Always- Matha Munizzi

When I Think About the Lord- Rita Springer

Hosanna- Hillsong

Beautiful- Kari Jobe

Your Love is Extravagant- Darrell Evans

Alabaster Box- CeCe Winans

You Won’t Relent- Misty Edwards

Hungry – Kathryn Scott

Favorite One- Misty Edwards

Revelation Song- Jesus Culture

How He Loves- Jesus Culture

So I never really learned. But I always secretly wanted to.

Last year, I really wanted to learn before I turned 30. 30 came and went and I was still cycle-y challenged. But on Sunday while talking to my friend Rochelle, we decided. We are just going to do it.

So off I went. Yesterday was my first biking lesson. I learned a lot more about myself than I thought I would. Biking is like therapy and an encounter- all rolled into one.

In life, like riding a bike:

• where you are focusing your energy will be where you end up.
• Even when you’re wobbling, keep peddling, you will find momentum eventually
• Looking down, causes falling.
• Sometimes you need to fall down, to understand how to get up
• Leave room for your legs to move
• Trust the right people to help you. They will not let you get hurt. They will laugh with you when you fall, and be just as excited when you peddle all on your own.
• It is never too late, to do what you always wanted to do.

Peddle fast, peddle hard. And feel the wind in your hair.
xoxo,

She didn’t mean it to be mean. As a matter of fact, if you asked her, she would say, that she was trying to help me, and would rather harsh criticism come from her rather than a stranger. (I would rather, any type of correction come from love and be said to build up- but I digress).

The next morning, on my way to work, this guy in a truck, rolled down his window to try and try to throw his mack hand down. On the freeway. In traffic. In a beat up vehicle. With expired tags. (cue No Scrubs by TLC).

In general, I act like I don’t see that kind of stuff, because, its so silly. Any man worth my salt, should come up to me proper.
Not on the freeway.
Not yelling shallow compliments over the wind.

But on this day, I smiled back and invited the compliment.

Halfway through, I stopped myself and remembered, “This is not you girl. Roll up your window, and roll on.” But I had to ask, what just happened? Why was today different than any other day?

I felt something uprooting happen. Something so foundation shifting, it rocked my world. I felt like I got a key to unlock the girl I was 8 years ago. The girl who would do anything for a compliment and would settle 10 times lower than herself for someone to tell her she is somebody. I realized all of those years, I wasn’t just chasing a good time, or a fine guy. I was chasing beautiful.

Growing up with harsh things being said all of the time chipped away at my soul. And slowly, my beautiful began to leak out. In sheer survival I would grout myself together with false compliments, anyone’s attention or affection or relationships. Any of it. All of it.

And I realized, after years of being without the harsh criticism and now all of a sudden living with it. I reverted to that old girl. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who reminded me that 8 years ago I became a new girl.
A new woman.
Who has been called by name.

Who with no make up on. With my hair out of place. At my biggest. At my smallest. Is still the most gorgeous girl to Him.

And that, my friends, is not grout to fill cracks. That’s wholeness so big, so deep, so wide, so all encompassing that makes old things, new again and reverts them back to their original form to their original purpose. And defines beauty.

This is what He says,

15 How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves. – Song of Solomon 1:15

xoxo,