Single Girls Secret Habits
25 Jan 2008 Leave a Comment
in My Life as a single girl Tags: girls, secrets, sex and the city, single
There was once an episode of Sex and the City, that described secret single behavior. The things you do alone when no one is watching. You know, pumice your feet, watch reality television, drink straight from the milk carton. In the episode, Carrie is afraid to let Aidan in, because she values her secret single time. At the time, my cousin and I (we lived together at the time, in a studio dont ask me how we did it- thats a blog for another time), were throwing popcorn at the screen. We were thinking, “You dumb Carrie, Aidan is so fine, why would you not let him in?”
It seemed crazy, how a person so dying to share their life with someone would be afraid that when the right person came along that they would get too close? Eventually as we all know, Carrie can’t commit to Aidan and then has random boyfriends that just lead her back to Mr.Big, I know I just docked my cool Christian quotient right now, but I LOVED that show!
Anyway, I would have always thought that secret single behavior was a matter of fiction, until recently. For the first time ever, my life isn’t running me. I don’t just make do with just enough clean clothes to get thru the week, and groceries only when I have no left overs in the fridge. I have actually learned to budget my time, penning in my me time, so that I can stay balanced. Or as Pastor Charlton would say, I just know my rocks.
I realize I do some crazy things when I am alone. I read with the TV on and my iHome playing at the same time. I burn pizza and still eat it. I like to have a sugar free popsicle before bed, almost every night. I sleep with my make up on most nights, and forget to take my contacts out sometimes. I watch reruns of the Hills and I am obsessed with Perez Hilton. It seems that in my quest to be single and whole, I have achieved what most singles look for in a mate- comfort in company. Its just the company I like most is my own.
You have to understand I have been single for 7 years. The first 5 years of that was on my face praying for God to give me a husband, so I wouldn’t be alone, and so that someone could be like my little polly pocket, someone that would be legally obligated to love me. When I turned 25 I laid it at the altar and told the Lord, that I would stop asking who and when and start asking what do you want me to with this time. What a time it has been!!!
I have discovered that there is plenty to do outside of planning my imaginary wedding, naming my imaginary kids, and thinking that every man I encounter could be my future husband. I have found my voice in ministry,pretty much my voice in the world. I know who I am as an individual and I have learned to not settle for less than what I am worth. Most recently, I have learned to love myself and give myself as much grace as I do others.
So why the post? My secret is that as a girl that has been dying to get married, I think I might be scared. Know I know I’m scared. I’m scared of getting married, and losing all that I have worked so hard to expose to the Lord and let Him heal. I am scared that I would get lost again like I was lost before. Living in the shadows of boyfriends, their favorite past times and their friends.
Maybe I am scared too, that I am too strong, and that there isn’t a man out there, that can handle this kind of woman. The kind that has a vision for her life and isn’t waiting for a change in her last name to do something about it.
I wonder sometimes, if I am the only single girl that has felt this way. Struggling with making peace with marriage, thinking, am I really the sacrificing kind? Could I really pick up someone else’s dirty underwear? Vacation somewhere that I didn’t pick? Spend Christmas with someone else’s family? Minister somewhere I don’t feel called, but he was?
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not lead by fear, I know when the time comes I will meet the right person and have a peace that surpasses all my understanding. Kind of like when i made the decison to leave my bank job to go into ministry or when I left my ministry job to go into high tech. They were decisions that didn’t make sense but I had peace. I am willing to choose peace even when my insides are uncomfortable.
Its just questions I have, that I am not sure if I am weird if I ask them. I guess I am not afraid to look weird after all.
